One week left - a heart that is torn
I've never done this before - leave everything behind with no clear idea of how long I'll be gone or what I'll be coming back to. I have one week left Stateside and departure is coming up soon. I've settled here, albeit with a loose grip. I know that I will not be the same person who steps off that plane or out of that car months from now that I am right now, regardless of the duration of the stay abroad. The thought both terrifies and exhilarates me. In a very real way, I'm facing some of the challenges that so many missionaries before me have faced as they considered leaving behind their homes and loved ones.
I am torn between sadness and excitement. Sadness at leaving behind the loved and familiar people and places I've been surrounded by these past few years, mountains included. Excitement at everything new I'll experience.
I am soo looking forward to the growth, the maturing, the stretching (ouch!) that I will experience while I'm overseas involved in learning and ministry. I'm also looking forward to the ministry I will be able to have to my fellow classmates and to the people I'll be interacting with in Biarritz and in the outreach phase of the trip. I'm looking forward to conversations around the Word, worship, prayer, service and obedience. I'm looking forward to looking fellow Jesus followers in the eyes and seeing His light in them, regardless of the language and nationality of the believer. I'm looking forward to sharing in His love with the brothers and sisters from around the world, regardless of our ability to communicate intelligibly with our words.
I'm soo excited as I anticipate the opportunity to step into a part of the world that has long been on my heart. As I consider going, I marvel at His goodness and love for and to me. When the team leaders were praying about the possibility of accepting me into the program last year, the Lord encouraged them that, yes, this was the time for Him to begin to fulfill some of the desires of my heart. He had heard me! He had known the dreams and desires to do ministry in this part of the world and that those dreams had been there for years. I don't know the reasons for the delay. I'm fairly certain I would not be typing this in Colorado had I been able to go shortly after college. I can guess at some of the reasons, but am not certain about most of them.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD." Is. 55:8
In reading this verse, my eyes were drawn to the beginning of this chapter in Isaiah and I can say that the hunger and thirst for the Lord that Isaiah mentions is something that the Lord is growing in me.
"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters,
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
"Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food. Is. 55:1-2
"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips." Ps. 63:5
"You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing." Ps. 145:16
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live; . . .
Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man
his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD,
that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God,
for he will abundantly pardon.
(now, in context)
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:3a, 6-8
Would you pray for a peaceful heart? My heart has struggled with the uncertainties of all that has been involved in my journey to this point thus far. My poor hands have suffered the results of those anxieties. There are times that I am at peace and confident and there are times I want to run and hide from all the unknowns. I'm soo thankful that there are questions awaiting answers when I get back that I don't have to answer until I return. It's hard to rest. It's hard to trust. It's hard to let go when it feels as though I'm stepping out into thin air and expected to release these worries into it. I need to know His presence. I need to sense it, moment by moment. I need His peace. I need it to umpire my heart (Col. 3). I'm learning to talk to Him about these things more and more and to be more authentic and honest and open with Him about them. I need His help.
I am torn between sadness and excitement. Sadness at leaving behind the loved and familiar people and places I've been surrounded by these past few years, mountains included. Excitement at everything new I'll experience.
I am soo looking forward to the growth, the maturing, the stretching (ouch!) that I will experience while I'm overseas involved in learning and ministry. I'm also looking forward to the ministry I will be able to have to my fellow classmates and to the people I'll be interacting with in Biarritz and in the outreach phase of the trip. I'm looking forward to conversations around the Word, worship, prayer, service and obedience. I'm looking forward to looking fellow Jesus followers in the eyes and seeing His light in them, regardless of the language and nationality of the believer. I'm looking forward to sharing in His love with the brothers and sisters from around the world, regardless of our ability to communicate intelligibly with our words.
I'm soo excited as I anticipate the opportunity to step into a part of the world that has long been on my heart. As I consider going, I marvel at His goodness and love for and to me. When the team leaders were praying about the possibility of accepting me into the program last year, the Lord encouraged them that, yes, this was the time for Him to begin to fulfill some of the desires of my heart. He had heard me! He had known the dreams and desires to do ministry in this part of the world and that those dreams had been there for years. I don't know the reasons for the delay. I'm fairly certain I would not be typing this in Colorado had I been able to go shortly after college. I can guess at some of the reasons, but am not certain about most of them.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD." Is. 55:8
In reading this verse, my eyes were drawn to the beginning of this chapter in Isaiah and I can say that the hunger and thirst for the Lord that Isaiah mentions is something that the Lord is growing in me.
"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters,
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
"Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food. Is. 55:1-2
"My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips." Ps. 63:5
"You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing." Ps. 145:16
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live; . . .
Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man
his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD,
that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God,
for he will abundantly pardon.
(now, in context)
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:3a, 6-8
Would you pray for a peaceful heart? My heart has struggled with the uncertainties of all that has been involved in my journey to this point thus far. My poor hands have suffered the results of those anxieties. There are times that I am at peace and confident and there are times I want to run and hide from all the unknowns. I'm soo thankful that there are questions awaiting answers when I get back that I don't have to answer until I return. It's hard to rest. It's hard to trust. It's hard to let go when it feels as though I'm stepping out into thin air and expected to release these worries into it. I need to know His presence. I need to sense it, moment by moment. I need His peace. I need it to umpire my heart (Col. 3). I'm learning to talk to Him about these things more and more and to be more authentic and honest and open with Him about them. I need His help.
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