Breaking ties or a clean slate? Musings of one who lives in limbo
Today sees the removal of what was my main source of personal transportation - my car. It has gotten to the point that it would cost the amount that I paid for the car in repairs in order to keep it running and for who knows how much longer. Another tie to Colorado 'snipped.'
It seems that the Lord has been 'snipping ties' to Colorado these last few months, preparing the way for me to fly into what He has for me next. My housing has always been temporary here. My vehicles have come and gone and now my job has found my replacement as I prepare to leave the country for 6 months. The 'divine restlessness' that I mentioned in a previous post has been replaced with a sense of both uncertainty and peace - peace about what I'm stepping into and peace about what I'm leaving behind.
Ever since my twelve-year-old self was informed that our family was leaving the small, 'Mayberry-like' town I grew up in to head to the largest city in the United States, I have struggled to feel a sense of 'home' anywhere I've lived. Since then, I've always looked at the places I've lived as temporary - that I would only be there for a short while until the next thing came along. "Don't get attached, Lynne. You won't be here forever," I would tell myself. I would be very cautious about forming deep friendships because, the deeper the roots one puts down in one place, the more painful it is when those roots are pulled up. Balance this with my 'all or nothing' personality - my loyal, 'once you're my friend you're stuck with me,' mentality and you have a struggle on your hands. (In a strange way, I see this as preparation for a life of ministry that will involve the flexibility to move at a moment's notice.)
I've prided myself on my ability to 'pick up and go' without too many attachments to where I've been. My geographic location is temporary. My sister has nicknamed me, 'the Colorado nomad.' And yet, as I consider leaving Colorado, I've begun to realize how much I've come to think of this as a place that I have belonged. My family is buried here. My ancestors helped build Fort Collins. I have relatives in several parts of the state. I came out here to be a part of my church family and have made some dear friends in the process. I have felt a stronger sense of belonging here than I have anywhere I've lived since leaving western North Carolina. My roots are here and I will miss this place. I will miss the mountains, the people, and the family. I may leave, but I have a feeling I will be back.
There are soo many unanswered questions, so many unknowns. The things that normally tie a person to a specific geographic location have been slowly removed for me. I do not have a job, home, or vehicle to come back to. My replacement has already been found at work, my car will be gone by the end of the day, and my housing has always been temporary since I've arrived in Colorado. I will have to start from scratch regardless of where I land when I return to the States. With my visa situation up in the air at the moment, I don't even know when that will be - the middle of the summer or early fall.
One solid anchor I do have in the midst of this sea of unknowns is God. Who is my God? What are His promises to me?
Truth: I don't have to have all of the answers. Truth: I don't have to figure out all of the unknowns. Truth: I need only to trust the One who does know and step out in obedience to what He has given me to do next. I DO know where I'll be in a week and a half and for at least 90 days after once I land on the other side of "The Pond." I DO know that I will be taken care of and that 'my God will supply every need of [mine] according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.' Phil 4:13. I DO know that, 'God is for [me].' Rom. 8:31 And I DO know that I will not be doing this alone. "For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Josh. 1:9
So many emotions swirling, so many thoughts. So thankful for the constant that is my God.
In the midst of snipping these temporal ties to the Denver area, He has been clearing the slate and preparing me for what is next. I need to be mobile. I need to be flexible and I need to be able to go when the call comes, whether that be to Denver, another part of the States, or somewhere else in the world. I'm on the verge of something big, something that will change my life forever and I need to be freed up to do it.
It seems that the Lord has been 'snipping ties' to Colorado these last few months, preparing the way for me to fly into what He has for me next. My housing has always been temporary here. My vehicles have come and gone and now my job has found my replacement as I prepare to leave the country for 6 months. The 'divine restlessness' that I mentioned in a previous post has been replaced with a sense of both uncertainty and peace - peace about what I'm stepping into and peace about what I'm leaving behind.
Ever since my twelve-year-old self was informed that our family was leaving the small, 'Mayberry-like' town I grew up in to head to the largest city in the United States, I have struggled to feel a sense of 'home' anywhere I've lived. Since then, I've always looked at the places I've lived as temporary - that I would only be there for a short while until the next thing came along. "Don't get attached, Lynne. You won't be here forever," I would tell myself. I would be very cautious about forming deep friendships because, the deeper the roots one puts down in one place, the more painful it is when those roots are pulled up. Balance this with my 'all or nothing' personality - my loyal, 'once you're my friend you're stuck with me,' mentality and you have a struggle on your hands. (In a strange way, I see this as preparation for a life of ministry that will involve the flexibility to move at a moment's notice.)
I've prided myself on my ability to 'pick up and go' without too many attachments to where I've been. My geographic location is temporary. My sister has nicknamed me, 'the Colorado nomad.' And yet, as I consider leaving Colorado, I've begun to realize how much I've come to think of this as a place that I have belonged. My family is buried here. My ancestors helped build Fort Collins. I have relatives in several parts of the state. I came out here to be a part of my church family and have made some dear friends in the process. I have felt a stronger sense of belonging here than I have anywhere I've lived since leaving western North Carolina. My roots are here and I will miss this place. I will miss the mountains, the people, and the family. I may leave, but I have a feeling I will be back.
There are soo many unanswered questions, so many unknowns. The things that normally tie a person to a specific geographic location have been slowly removed for me. I do not have a job, home, or vehicle to come back to. My replacement has already been found at work, my car will be gone by the end of the day, and my housing has always been temporary since I've arrived in Colorado. I will have to start from scratch regardless of where I land when I return to the States. With my visa situation up in the air at the moment, I don't even know when that will be - the middle of the summer or early fall.
One solid anchor I do have in the midst of this sea of unknowns is God. Who is my God? What are His promises to me?
Truth: I don't have to have all of the answers. Truth: I don't have to figure out all of the unknowns. Truth: I need only to trust the One who does know and step out in obedience to what He has given me to do next. I DO know where I'll be in a week and a half and for at least 90 days after once I land on the other side of "The Pond." I DO know that I will be taken care of and that 'my God will supply every need of [mine] according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.' Phil 4:13. I DO know that, 'God is for [me].' Rom. 8:31 And I DO know that I will not be doing this alone. "For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Josh. 1:9
So many emotions swirling, so many thoughts. So thankful for the constant that is my God.
In the midst of snipping these temporal ties to the Denver area, He has been clearing the slate and preparing me for what is next. I need to be mobile. I need to be flexible and I need to be able to go when the call comes, whether that be to Denver, another part of the States, or somewhere else in the world. I'm on the verge of something big, something that will change my life forever and I need to be freed up to do it.
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