Contentment when talents seem to be put on hold
Something new has happened over the past few days.
For the first time, there is a settled sense of contentment being where I am right now with no strong desire to not be here. I am loving my church and putting down roots without the apprehension that they might have to be pulled up when I leave someday. I've been scared for a long while of becoming too attached to people here in Greenville. I told myself it was because I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life here and would most likely be leaving shortly (where to, I don't know). I told myself it would be easier to leave if I didn't get too close.
I'm not afraid anymore.
The anxiety that accompanied the attempt to keep people at arm's length is gone (for the most part). The anxiety about what I'm supposed to be doing right now is gone.
The Lord has given me two part-time jobs, one of which starts next week and the other I've had for a few months. I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be working at these two jobs.
One thing I haven't figured out though, is why God allowed me to get a college education in a language not very many people speak here in the States and, in addition to that, why He provided for me to get certification to teach English as a second language - a certification that carries more weight internationally than it does domestically. I can't teach at the majority of the schools here in the States unless I become certified to teach in the particular state or region of the country in which I'm applying. I know that God has both gifted and begun to equip me to teach. It's something I love to do. But, for now, the fulfillment (or my perception of what the fulfillment should be) of that desire and love seems to be on hold. For so long I've tried to race to the next thing, thinking that when I get there I'll be happy and satisfied - 'If only I could . . . ./If only this would happen . . .' It hasn't, at least not what I thought should have happened.
I'm not too worried though. Abraham waited for an undisclosed amount of time for God to fulfill His promises, some of the fulfillment would never be realized in Abraham's lifetime. Joseph was a slave in Potiphar's house and then in a prison for three years before God exalted him and brought the predicted end of his dreams to pass (his brothers and father bowing to him). Jesus anticipated the cross before the creation of the world and redemption was something He gloried and rejoiced in once His life's mission was completed (Heb. 12:1-2). I'm in good company - waiting to see what God will do with me and how He will use what He has given me to bring Him glory and to make me more like Him. I'm kind of excited about it. He is teaching me much and growing desire in me to minister to others in particular ways. I'm content to be where I am, as I am and I wait on Him to walk with me every step of the way.
For the first time, there is a settled sense of contentment being where I am right now with no strong desire to not be here. I am loving my church and putting down roots without the apprehension that they might have to be pulled up when I leave someday. I've been scared for a long while of becoming too attached to people here in Greenville. I told myself it was because I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life here and would most likely be leaving shortly (where to, I don't know). I told myself it would be easier to leave if I didn't get too close.
I'm not afraid anymore.
The anxiety that accompanied the attempt to keep people at arm's length is gone (for the most part). The anxiety about what I'm supposed to be doing right now is gone.
The Lord has given me two part-time jobs, one of which starts next week and the other I've had for a few months. I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be working at these two jobs.
One thing I haven't figured out though, is why God allowed me to get a college education in a language not very many people speak here in the States and, in addition to that, why He provided for me to get certification to teach English as a second language - a certification that carries more weight internationally than it does domestically. I can't teach at the majority of the schools here in the States unless I become certified to teach in the particular state or region of the country in which I'm applying. I know that God has both gifted and begun to equip me to teach. It's something I love to do. But, for now, the fulfillment (or my perception of what the fulfillment should be) of that desire and love seems to be on hold. For so long I've tried to race to the next thing, thinking that when I get there I'll be happy and satisfied - 'If only I could . . . ./If only this would happen . . .' It hasn't, at least not what I thought should have happened.
I'm not too worried though. Abraham waited for an undisclosed amount of time for God to fulfill His promises, some of the fulfillment would never be realized in Abraham's lifetime. Joseph was a slave in Potiphar's house and then in a prison for three years before God exalted him and brought the predicted end of his dreams to pass (his brothers and father bowing to him). Jesus anticipated the cross before the creation of the world and redemption was something He gloried and rejoiced in once His life's mission was completed (Heb. 12:1-2). I'm in good company - waiting to see what God will do with me and how He will use what He has given me to bring Him glory and to make me more like Him. I'm kind of excited about it. He is teaching me much and growing desire in me to minister to others in particular ways. I'm content to be where I am, as I am and I wait on Him to walk with me every step of the way.
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