9 months ago . . .

     Daniel's due date was a week and a half ago and today is the first time I've had the opportunity to sit and process it. 

     The loss of my son has forced me to face so much of how I was raised to process my emotions. I've also been faced with what God says about those emotions, where He is when I experience them, and whether or not He approves of them.

     As a young child, I was taught that emotions like anger and others that were deemed 'unpleasant' had no place in the life of a christian. Because they were not acceptable in the christian society and culture in which I was raised, therefore, God did not approve of them either. He was the reason they were not acceptable because there were so many Scriptures warning against the improper use of them. They were sinful. If a believer struggled being angry at God or was walking through depression or discouragement, then there was either sin or something wrong with that believer that needed to be 'fixed' using whoever's 12 step program to get them back 'on track,' and said program would make their 'problem' go away. Happiness was paramount. Facades were required to survive. It wasn't safe to be honest about anger at God, doubting God and His promises, prolonged sadness and struggle even with God Himself. People looked at you funny and wondered what was wrong with you if you did. 

      And yet, we have whole books in our Bible where people wrestle with God through suffering, anger, despair, discouragement, fear, anxiety, and the like. Jacob wrestled with God and God welcomed it. Abram wrestled with God. Job wrestled with God for forty plus chapters. Jeremiah wrestled with God in the book of Lamentations and in the book that bears his name. Jonah argued with God. Peter denied knowing Him. One third of our psalms are filled with the godly complaining of those who are wrestling with the disparity between what they thought they knew about God and what seems to be true, based on their circumstances (side note: psalms of lament comprise the largest category of psalms in our Bible). Jesus himself wrestled with his heavenly Father over acceptance of the final cup of suffering. I think our God is big enough to handle our emotions, our questions, our doubting, our fears and anxieties. We have a biblical precedent to take those things to Him. Coming to Him with our anger, our doubts, our fears, and anxieties - all the emotions we're 'not supposed to have,' is an act of faith. For who else could change the circumstances in which we experience them?

      I'm learning that emotions that seem overwhelming and that I was taught to be ashamed of are not inherently sinful. How I respond may be, but is not necessarily so. There is a healthy and constructive way to manage the healthy, normal, and human emotions I have been given by my loving heavenly Father. As I learn how to walk through this valley of shadow and whatever I may experience as I do, I hope to have a better understanding of how to model my Father to my children. I hope to give my own children better tools to use to manage and respond to hard things than my parents had at their disposal to give me. 

\\\\\\\\\\on of sadness. His own Son was called, "a man of sorrows and well acquainted with grief," Isaiah 53:3. He does not run away from weakness - Christ Himself was known to cry out to the Father with "loud cries and tears," Hebrews 5:7. 

     The separation of the emotion itself from the lopsided cultural baggage associated with it has been eyeopening and life changing for me. I've come to realize that, if you're going to teach one how to handle their anger, then don't just to go the warning passages about the misuse of it. Go also to the two books of the Bible that are dedicated to suffering and the human response to it (Job and Lamentations). Look also at the psalms wherein the author rages at God (without retaliation on God's part) and allow these examples to inform your response. Give a balanced presentation. 

     This separation has also started me on the path of a more healthy response to emotions like anger and sadness on my own part. It's also beginning to inform how I walk through big emotions with my toddler. I don't want to teach her shame. I want to take into consideration her stage of development and ability to understand and respond to her environment. I want to give her tools to use to manage emotions well - be aware of how you're feeling, acknowledge without judgment, and accept that this is reality. Accept that outbursts are to be expected. How you behave as a result matters but learning how to respond well takes time.