"Stop trying to fix me. Love me instead" (What Loss Exposes, Pt. 2)

      The title of this post is the title that an essay written by Jeff Foster in his book, "The Joy of True Meditation: words of encouragement for tired minds and wild hearts." A synopsis of the essay/article is that being present (without trying to 'solve the problem,' take away the discomfort, fix the person) is more helpful to those who are hurting than empty words or lectures or '-isms' or cliche's about God's sovereignty are. There is a time and place for truth, but Proverbs, for example, is full of instructions for those wishing to provide comfort to those who are hurting. Not only what you say, but also when and how you say it are huge. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut. 

     Something that is lost, many times, by those who seek to provide comfort is the ability to just BE with the person without feeling the need to 'make it all better.' Those of us who are grieving are in this state of grief much longer than those on the outside are often able to cope with. The prolonged sadness can make those around us uncomfortable, partially, at times, because it reminds them that this same loss could happen to them or of previous losses of their own. It can be easier to deflect and postpone having to ponder the possibility of one's own than to sit with it.  

     Another reason it can make one uncomfortable is they can't relate and so feel at a loss about what to say. They love the one hurting and want to take the pain away, but they can't. It's not their job and no one asked them to do it. You can't be someone else's savior. You can't "make it all better." But you can show up and BE with them in whatever state they are in. Are they angry? Let them sit there in it, work through it, and move beyond it. To pressure them to deny it, suppress it, ignore it or stop being angry on your timeline is NOT helpful. Telling them that anger is sinful and that God doesn't approve of it is NOT biblical. It only heaps on shame to an already overburdened heart. It communicates that you don't wish to be around the version of them that they are and that they need to change to meet your preferences. 

     Anger is not sinful. It's not a negative emotion. It's God-given and its natural, normal, and human. It's like a flashing light on the dashboard of your car - it's an indicator that something is wrong. It is healthy. If we didn't feel emotions like anger, how would we know that something was wrong? It's like the pain you feel when you touch a hot surface. If you didn't feel the pain, you wouldn't move your hand and the wound would be greater. Now, how we choose to respond when we're angry can be sinful but being angry is not. Death is not a natural part of life and was not intended by God to be so. Christ got angry at the tomb of Lazarus, even though He knew that He would be raising Lazarus from the dead in a matter of minutes. 

     When you seek to provide answers to questions that were never asked of you, we can feel as though you are treating us as ignorant and spiritually immature children. We feel very unloved - like something is innately wrong with us and you think you know how to fix us. The above article mentions that those providing answers to unasked questions have in their mind an image of how they think the one hurting to look, feel, be, etc. That image doesn't correspond to reality, so the person giving the lecture, Bible truth, tru-ism, flippant cliche' is seeking to pressure the person hurting into changing so that they conform with the lecturer's image. If the hurting one conforms, the "helper" feels better about themselves and is more comfortable around the one hurting. 

     We didn't choose to go through this. We have no control over how long this will take or what it will look like. If you don't have the capacity to be there for us without feeling anxious about providing solutions and 'fixing' our 'problem,' then have the courage to realize this and tell us up front. It will save everyone a lot of frustration. 

     If you do have some capacity to help us bear this load, be willing to be corrected. Humbly accept it when you're told that what you're offering is unhelpful. Be willing to grow in your ability to provide comfort to the one hurting, even if it's in ways that make you feel uncomfortable. We don't always know what would be helpful. Be willing to wait while we try to figure that out. We need people who are going to be here for the long haul, through thick and thin. We need people who are going to welcome and accept us as we are without trying to squeeze us into a mold of their making so that they feel more comfortable around us. Friendships will change. Relationships won't necessarily look the same as they did before the event that caused the pain. Studies have shown that there is even a biochemical/physiological change that takes place in the bodies of those who have lost children. The change can start as early as 8 weeks after the death of the child. Neurologically, things are altered. Those parents will never be the same. How they relate to you, the would be comforter, might change. Intimacy and closeness might not look the same. We may find others to whom we can be more vulnerable with. Be willing to accept that. There is a loss and shift that takes place on all sides when something like a death occurs.