Pieces of Home
I’m not sure why the Lord hasn’t allowed me to get too comfortable here. It is very unsettling to not have a place to plant your feet and say, “This is home.” I’ve learned to think, “This is home for now,” and just roll with it. (For some reason, this last move has been so much harder on me than any of the previous moves and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. I have struggled more with discouragement and a sense of not knowing where I belong, feeling lost and alone.)
In the middle of all of the moving, packing and unpacking, relocating and re-orienting, I realize that there a certain little things that help provide a sense of home and normalcy for me in the different locations I’ve lived. Some of those things are books ( I am a book nerd who doesn’t feel moved in or doesn’t begin to feel moved in until her books are unpacked.), pictures, a vase of dried flowers, or the homemade quilt (made by me) that I sleep under. They are pieces of home. Once they’re pulled out of the box and set up, I begin to feel a bit more settled in. Regardless of the craziness in the rest of the room I can look at this e things and say, “Yes, this is my space. I can make this work.”
Some realities that I have come to understand experientially are that this world is not home and that I will never be truly Home until I am with Jesus. Another is the need to be in the moment- to be here and now because I am not promised tomorrow or next month. Jim Elliot said, “Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” I love to have a plan for the next year to five years to the rest of my life. I love knowing what’s coming. The Lord has used my time in Colorado to help wean me from, to a degree, my insistence on knowing what’s next but rather learning to trust with why I can’t see and what I don’t know.
Even in the midst of all the craziness, Colorado has been a refuge for me. It has been a place of personal freedom. I have grown soo much in my walk with the Lord these last two years. James says that “the testing of your faith works patience,” and Paul says in Romans 5 that, “suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame.” The Lord has used these last two years to grow my patience as I wait on Him. I am quicker to trust and wait on His provision, knowing that He will come through for me.
I feel as though these last two years have been two of the most difficult of my life. As I have stepped out from the comfort of having family nearby into a place where I have no one but my family in Christ to rely on, I have found Him faithful. It has felt like Boot Camp and yet, I have seen the faithfulness of God more personally over these last two years that I have, for the most part, any other part of my life. I have seen the personal provision of God for me. I have seen God step into a situation and provide when I had no other recourse or resources time and time again. My trust in his dependability and faithfulness to his children has grown exponentially. I realize that no matter where I go or what difficulty or challenge I face I will not be facing it alone. He is the one constant piece of home that I will take with me no matter where I end up, no matter what possessions I may keep or give away.
Thank you for your post. Your thoughts moved me and stirred me in a way that was unexpected but welcome. I may be able to identify with your feelings to some degree. Although I lived in many different places over 22 years in school, the army and on the mission field, none of them was ever home the way this old Maine homestead always has been, even at times when I thought I would never live here again. There is a sense of rootedness that develops when a family had lived in one place for over 150 years. I suppose it is just a taste of the sense of belonging we will enjoy with the Lord in our eternal home.
ReplyDeleteI do find myself wishing I could somehow ease your sense of difficulty in your circumstances, so I will pray for you and praise God for the provision He will give and has already given. You were always a dear friend to our children, and you are special to us as well.
“Faithful is he who called you, who also will do it”
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